My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
