I just saw a hot homeless man
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
