Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
