I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
