I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
