News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
