i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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