I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
