I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You were trust falling into bushes
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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