Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Come share oat with me in your robe
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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