how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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