I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
