captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
