Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
