tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
