Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
