Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
look no pants
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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