So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
