Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
