i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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