I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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