I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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