its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
