There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
