Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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