Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
