he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
