Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
