Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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