if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
