Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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