The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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