I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
