She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize