I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
