he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
