Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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