i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
