Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
