You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
