My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
