I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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