My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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