do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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