An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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