Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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