Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
