Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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