Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
