someone threw a dead crab at me
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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