dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
