Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
