I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
