Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
