I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
