i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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