Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
